The People I See

So there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the conduct people find appropriate inside the store. For instance, the phone. I've had three separate instances of people wanting to use the phone and being batshit insane about it.

This guy comes in right after my transfer, and waves of alcohol are rolling off him. He's huge and scruffy, like he just lost a job. He seems unsteady on his feet. He comes up to the counter and just stares at me. I greet him politely, to no response. I ask if there's anything I can help him with today. He stands at my counter for another 30 seconds before asking to use the phone, because he needs a cab. That was blindingly obvious to me, but I say, "I can let you use the phone, but I don't know the number to the cab company, and I don't know where the yellow pages are in this store yet, so you have to know the cab number." He makes no response, just stares at me. I fidget uncomfortably and ask, "Didn't you need to use the phone?" He gives himself a little shake and says, "You're really pretty." I make a face that could potentially be interpreted as a smile and shave the phone at him. He takes it and looks down at it in his hands like he has never seen a phone before. He then looks up at me frowning. "Dial it!"
I breathe slowly and repeat myself. He continues to stare at me, and just as I'm wishing I had a coworker on hand, my assistant manager shows up. I greeted her like an excited puppy, "Heywheredowekeeptheyellowpages?!" She looks at me weird and pulls the book out of a drawer. Excited to get this crazy out of the store I find the local cab service, dial and hand him the phone and a flyer. I point to the flyer, "This is our address, when they ask where to pick you up, it's this." There is no comprehension on his face and he holds the ringing phone to his ear, looking around like a dazed baby. "Where am I?" he says. I frown and point to the flyer, and our address. He then without another word puts down the phone, turns, and leaves.
My A.M. laughs and asks what the fuck just happened. I recount the adventure, and just as I'm finishing, the sloshed giant returns. I duck behind the counter and give the A.M. my puppy eyes, entreating her to deal with this guy. He approaches her and gives her his vacant stare attack. She is in no mood to coddle a drunk, and switches to sassy mode. "What are you staring at, huh? What do you want dude?" He ogles for a moment and says he needs to use the phone. She laughs, "You were just in here buddy, not five minutes ago, and you left as we handed you the phone." A slow frown starts creeping up on him and I pipe in, "It's true, you came in, and I handed you the phone and when it was ringing, you hung up and left." He reels backward for a moment then out of nowhere screams, "THAT'S BULLSHIT!" I flinch and my AM gets a don't-fuck-with-me look on her face. "That's enough, leave." She shepherds him out of the store.
About an hour later she was running to the bank and saw him at the pub across the street, getting assisted into the back of a cop car.

The next phone wack-a-doo came in several months later. He came up to the counter reeking of smoke. I wrinkled my nose and took a step back. He looks particularly haggard, unshaven, bags under his eyes, with a backpack on, screaming vagrant. I waited politely for him to state his business, since he bee lined to the counter showing no interest in shopping. He comes up and says, "Hey, can I use your phone?" I hesitate and my coworker who is slightly closer to him looks at me for confirmation. I nod, "Yeah, you can make a quick call." He takes the phone and pauses. "Will it show up as a sex store on the caller ID?" Me and my coworker shrug, and share a look, like, if you're gonna come into an adult store to use the phone, you can't really be picky. We say we're not sure and I bustle off to do some stocking, leaving her in the front. Surreptitiously I pop into the back where our only male coworker is eating lunch. "Hey, I know you're on lunch, but we have a severe creeper up front, I'd feel a little more comfortable if you'd join us, when you're done." He came back out as the vagrant is regaling us with stories of just being out of prison, of having been on meth and going into a store like ours, of wondering the reaction of his call recipient if they have caller ID. He made his call but the line was busy, and he looked at us and said, "What does that mean?" My coworker is really sweet and patient. She explained that they must be on the phone with someone else. So he stands at our counter, spinning the phone, and we're not sure if he's waiting to make another call, or just idly chatting with us. Our male coworker made sure to be in the near vicinity but finally the guy gets through to his number, which turned out to be his mom, alerting her that he was in town and needed a ride. When he left our phone was emanating cigarette smoke and I had to sanitize it twice until it smelled normal again.

The last phone etiquette mistake wasn't really creepy. She comes up to the counter and asks to use the phone. I look at her hands where she has a perfectly functioning cell phone. I look back up at her and she's just looking at me waiting for an answer. I point to the phone in her hands and she gets annoyed. "I'm Canadian, and I don't have roaming." We're right near the border so it's not unusual she's Canadian but her casual assumption that I'd intuit the situation irked me. She said she had a boyfriend in town and needed to call him to meet up. I said sure, if she was quick. She took the phone and promptly turns, plopping herself down on the couch we have for sale. I stare at her, wondering if she really needs to sit to make a call. 15 minutes later, I'm not wondering anymore. She chats away loudly with her boyfriend, dithering about where they'll meet and you hang up first- no you hang up first. It got to the point that everyone on shift was on the brink of yelling that we needed to call another of our store locations. After 20 minutes she returned the phone without a thank you.