Uncircumcised

The first thing she said was, "I'm not a pervert." She was plump, middle-aged and had a look of perpetual worry on her doughy face. She kept fussing with her long brown hair. I gave her a crooked smile and said, "You're in here aren't you?" But she didn't laugh. I leaned back into the counter to let her pass me, and she looked lost. I gauged her initial reaction to be someone who would rather die in a fire than ask me about what kind of toy to get, but she seemed so helpless so I said, "Are you looking for anything?"

She looked at me like I was a bug, "Well yes, obviously, but not something I really want to talk to anyone about." I took a step back and "Let me know if you have questions" made it to my lips but not out my mouth because she immediately turned and said, "I'm looking for a dildo." I blinked, because I've never had someone flip so fast from the mold of "don't fucking look at me being in this sex shop" to "hold my hand for the love of god." So I bring her over to the mid-range ones that don't look realistic. I explained a bit about them and every time I finished explaining something she'd bog me down with more superfluous information. She'd already told me she didn't want her boyfriend to feel threatened but every time I pointed to smaller non-realistic toys and why that would be less threatening she just restated his fears. Then she asked me about G-spot toys, so I showed her those. But once I'd shown her something that was right up her alley she just kept looking at me.

I reiterated points about the toy. I handed one to her. And whenever I tried to walk away she practically grabbed me and made me repeat everything, not like she wanted to know but like she was afraid if being alone. I felt myself starting to bristle with irritation and finally pulled away. She finally comes up to a counter with a realistic toy that wasn't for G-spot, that was of a material I had just recommended against. But at this point I don't give a flying fuck, I just want her gone. When I explain about toy cleaner I blow her mind, apparently. She told me she used dish soap and I winced. When I told her no hand soap, dish soap, bleach, or alcohol should ever be used on a toy she asked me if vinegar would be acceptable. I wanted to scream that nothing in her kitchen was acceptable for sex toys but quietly said, "No." Then, inexplicably, she starts telling me about her vaginal prolapse. I stare at her while she describes the ring holding her bits in place with excruciating detail and the whole time she has a demeanor of asking a question.

 But she didn't ask a question. Finally clutching desperately at straws I ask if the ring is what she's been cleaning with dish soap and she said no, that it was just something she had to be careful of. And then she told me her boyfriend couldn't wear condoms. "You probably don't know this, but uncircumcised guys can't wear condoms." I could feel muscles in my face starting to twitch, and an epic battle raged between telling her that was utter nonsense and getting her out of the store and as far away from me as possible.

But I couldn't let it stand. "I'm sorry, but that's not true at all. Condoms are made for every guy, there's no reason someone who's uncircumcised wouldn't be able to wear them." She looked at me like I was slow, "He can't wear them, they're too small, they fall off." My nails are digging into my palm as I fight the urge to scream at this woman, "If it fell off then it was just the wrong size, they only fall off if they're too big." "No dear, I got the magnums." I could see the red haze of battle rage at the edge of my vision.

"That's my point, magnums are the large size. They must have been too big, they're meant to fit snugly so they don't fall off."  "Right, but he was too big, so they fell off." I couldn't feel my fingertips anymore because my hands were clenched so tightly, so finally I just shut up and decided not to join her in madness. My only guess is that they assumed condoms were meant to be tied in a bow at the end of the penis rather than worn but they kept falling off when they tried to have sex, snagging on her prolapse-prevention ring.

The last thing she said was that she didn't want toy cleaner because she didn't want to be dependent on something from a sex store. She went on to add that she didn't know why people were so weird about coming in here, since obviously sex was how we're all made. I stared at her with my teeth bared in what might have been considered a smile to the casual observer. But past the urge to scream at her I could her every sex ed teacher weeping the tears of disgrace that someone could be that ignorant.