Rick the Spider

For whatever reason our store is infested with spiders. There's cobwebs constantly, and jarring encounters every other week during the summer. Mostly we get medium-small jumping spiders, but this is the saga of Rick. Rick was enormous. Not just leggy, but bulky, and he moved like a fucking ninja shadow of terror.

The first to encounter him was Britney. She went into our back bathroom, which doubles as our kitchen, and came out pale. "I just had the biggest spider I've ever seen run across my boot." Everyone on shift turned to look at Crystal. She's the only person at the store who's not terrified of spiders (although she is of moths). She huffed a sigh and entered the bathroom. We waited, hoping she'd come out triumphant but after five minutes she reappeared. "I couldn't get him. Rick was too crafty." "Rick?" "Yeah, that fucker was way too big to not get a name." She told us how Rick had waited poised on an electrical cord below the sink, and fled before she could get him.

Throughout the next couple weeks we'd check before going in the bathroom. "Anyone seen Rick recently?" Sometimes we had, and most times we hadn't, which was more worrying. As Rick's time with us lengthened I started getting more convinced, that as the only person to have not seen him, it would be up to me to slay him. And he appeared for our duel at the most unfortunate time.

At the time, we had our first Molly working, who was arachnophobic. I know this term is misused. I don't mean to say that Molly was afraid of spiders. She was, but mostly she was phobic. Knowing a spider was in the store would set her into a tearful panic attack.

And so it was that it was Molly and I closing when Rick finally appeared to challenge me. I was working my way across the window to the open sign, which is an obstacle course of mannequins and props. As I turned the sign off I hear Molly scream my name. I knew immediately what was going on. I darted and weaved my way back to the front. I grabbed her and shoved her to the couch to sit. "I found Rick!" She was on the edge of a meltdown, and I was all brisk efficiency. "I know you did, so just sit here and I'll take care if it, just tell me where he was and it'll be fine." Lip trembling she pointed to our sandwich board, the one that's supposed to sit on the street but instead sat leaning against the front door for weeks. I armed myself (which in this case involved a bottle of Windex and a paper towel).

I approached the sandwich board, and pulled it tentatively from the wall. Rick darted out immediately, shooting across the face of the board like a demon. In my mind he reared up and hissed a challenge at me. I growled back, and we met in deadly combat. In reality, frozen, I turned to Windex bottle to face him and without moving another muscle began to squirt him. Stunned, he fell from the board. He staggered slowly, poisoned, across the front rugs, hissing obscenities about my lack of honor.

Then I dropped the paper towel over him like a shroud and stamped down. He crunched. I allowed myself a moment to freak out internally. I'm terrified of spiders, but one does what one must. I collected his remains and brought him to the outside trash can, saying a quick tribute to his stealth and skill in combat as I disposed of him. I came back over to Molly, determinedly chirpy, "Ricks dead, and he's outside, and everything is fine. Lets close." She pulled herself together and we finished up. But as we come back into spider season I await the next challenge.