When I was 15 my dad moved us down to Arizona. His company had just
been bought out, we had to, yada yada. I'm pretty sure they asked me if I
wanted to go, and I said yeah, whatever, cause I was a teenager, duh.
So we moved. Moving in the 9th grade is a giant bitch though, and I
didn't really think about it, but everyone in the first year of high
school already has all their middle school friends, and doesn't need the
weird new girl hanging around.
Just as a frame of reference, I
had chopped off all my hair. Not for any particular reason, I just did.
So it was this really crappy inch and a half long hair cut, and I
probably would have only looked more dikey if I wasn't in the clearly
awkward adolescent stage of my life. To add to that image, I only ever
wore one earring. And I know the picture I'm painting, but I swear, I
wasn't trying to look like a lesbian, it was just happening. I showed up
for the first day of school in a T-Shirt that said, "Got Issues" and
baggy jeans, with my one earring and my hair all spiked.
So the
morning of, I was getting ready and this seemed like a great idea at the
time to look unapproachable (<- sarcasm, I was just being retarded)
so I wore what I wore and headed out to the kitchen. My mom offered me
breakfast, but eating too early in the morning makes me sick, gives me
stomach cramps all day, not to mention it's HOT in Arizona. Like,
retardedly too warm. Heat tends to kill most peoples appetite and it
totally killed mine, so I said whatever, I'm not hungry. She drove me
out to my bus stop which was a mile out from the house and saw me onto
the bus.
I was one of the first stops, so I picked a seat in the
middle and pulled out a book to read. I was anxiously wondering if there
were enough kids on our route to mean I'd have to meet someone new, but
there wasn't and I didn't. I sat there reading. The bus stopped and I
got up and off. I whipped out my map and started looking for my algebra
classroom. It was weird though, because everyone seemed really short,
and by that I mean about my height. Normally I'm dwarfed by people
around me.
I shrugged it off and walked around campus getting
increasingly worried. Algebra was supposed to be room 907, and none of
the room numbers here were higher than 500. Then the bell rang. I got
more frantic, speed walking in circles. In Arizona the mornings are
really chilly. because desert climates don't retain heat, so all the
doors were open to suck in the cold while it was still there. From all
the classrooms I could here the Pledge of Allegiance chanted by hundreds
of voices and it was the worst feeling in the world because mine wasn't
one of them.
The next person who looked remotely like an adult
was accosted desperately by me.
"Please, I can't find my classroom!" She
looked at my map and laughed a little, obviously she was either a bitch
or immune to the fact that I was freaking the fuck out. "Sweetie, you
have the wrong map, this says Cactus Shadows on it." I looked down at my
map and then back and her and nodded like she was an infant. "Yeah,
that's because I'm going to Cactus Shadows, the high school." She looked
like she wanted to pat my head, "This is Desert Arroyo, the middle
school." I'm pretty sure I looked like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction when
she gets adrenaline to the heart. In Washington, the high school and
middle school were miles apart, there was no way that I had a means of
getting myself to the high school in time for classes, not to mention
how pissed my mom was gonna be that I'd gotten on the wrong bus. The
lady finally realized I was having a panic attack and said, "Oh, don't
worry honey, it's just a quick walk across the desert."
Just. A
quick walk. Across the desert. I know where you live changes your
perception of an environment, but the words, "quick walk ACROSS THE
DESERT" should never be used to console someone, especially someone who
grew up thinking deserts were sand dunes and genies. She pointed out the
path to me, and I set off across the goddamn desert. It was about a
five minute walk, and I stumbled out onto the high school campus
contemplating how fucking crazy Arizonans were for living where
something was a quick walk across the desert away.
The high school
started later than the middle school, so I found my class with plenty
of time. I plunked down in front of my Algebra door and pulled out my
book. This was my third mistake of the day (the first was not eating or
bringing food, the second was the bus). I should have scouted out my
next classrooms but I was so relieved to be where I was supposed to be
that I just flopped down. I got to a good part of my book, and that's
why when the bell rang, I was actually one of the last people to enter
the room. Every single person turned to stare at me, and sneer.
Something
of note: Most people who live in Arizona, specifically the Scottsdale
area, are really rich. The kids in the class are all rich, and know it.
Their parents are migratory, coming down for the merely brisk winters,
and enjoying summers up north. I don't know why this makes these
teenagers total assholes, but it had something to do with it. Oh, and
also I looked like a giant dike in a super conservative state in a super
conservative area, that too.
So I get through Algebra. No one
talks to me. I get through English, Sex ed and Drama. No one talks to
me. Then it's lunch time. I'm ravenous, and I don't care I'm being
shunned, I want a burger so bad it hurts. So I file into line in the
cafeteria, and it's huge. I grab a burger and wait and wait and wait to
pay. I'm so hungry this burger has become the most important thing in my life, all I can think of is eating this burger. They even have mayo packets as well as ketchup, which is my perfect burger condiment preference.
And I'm within two people of the front of the line when I realize: I
have no money. Stressed, and hungry and feeling for the first, but not
the last time that day that I wanted to cry, I put the burger back and
find a seat at the end of a table, where I read quietly.
I
wandered over early to where my Biology room was and stand outside
listlessly. It's 5th period, and for the first time all day outside role
call, someone talks to me. It's a girl from my drama class, and the
first words anyone says to me during my first day of high school: "Are
you a lesbian? Because a girl in our drama class told me you were."
I
fought between laughter and affront and finally said, "No one has
talked to me all day, how the fuck would she know?" This suitably dealt
with the girl who buggered off. After Bio was Art, and I had my first
real problem finding a room. English had been tricky, as had Drama, but
this room was elusive as fuck. I went around in circles between 710 and
730, unable to find 720. I finally realized after some serious panicking
that it was inside the one marked 710, the fuckers, and I was 10
minutes late. Most of the people in Art were seniors getting their
electives out of the way, so when I entered late not only was it just
people staring at me, it was older cool crowd kids sneering, and the
teacher death glared at me while I sat down, pointedly announcing that
we would arrive on time or be kicked out. I love art, but it was the
worst lesson ever.
Finally, it was time to leave. I packed up and
followed the crowd to where the buses were. And stopped. I had no idea
what bus number mine was, and I had only glanced at the driver. There
was a row of about 20 buses, and it took so long to go up and down it
that they were leaving before I committed to one. Disheartened, I gave
up and set out to find the office. And got lost. In 110 degree heat.
Sweating and panting and dragging myself along I wandered the school. In
Washington, most of our buildings built up, since it meant clearing
less trees, and space was an issue, but earthquakes aren't. In Arizona,
earthquakes were more of a concern for tall buildings, and they had all
this desert so they built out. Also heat rises so no one wanted to
endure a class in a second story so they just didn't build any, but what
that meant in practical terms for me was that the campus was bloody
enormous. I walked it like a labyrinth and after what felt like forever
found the office.
I stumbled in sweaty and distraught looking and
asked to use the phone. I dialed my mom's number and waited, finally she
picked up. "Mom?" And a stranger's voice saying, "Oh, you must have the
wrong number." I apologized and hung up, and dialed again very
carefully. The phone was answered, "I'm sorry sweetie, this isn't your
mom." I apologized again and thanked the office ladies. I blame fatigue
and sheer unhappiness for the reason that I didn't just tell the office
lady my situation but I wandered out into the heat and sat down on a
step and watched some ants go by in a line.
I remember a boy
coming up and trying to be friendly. He said, "Do you go to Desert
Ridge?" And I, thinking this was the name of yet another school said,
"No, I go here." He gave me a weird look and said, "Desert Ridge is the
mall." He left shortly afterward and I was burning with heat, extreme
hunger and now embarrassment.
After about 20 minutes over the louder
speaker I heard my name, and that transportation was looking for me. I
headed back to the office and they had me sit in a chair.
It was
at this point, that even though all the mishaps of the day were small,
they started to build up in my mind and I grew more and more determined
not to cry. I was chanting in my head not to cry. I refused to move my
eyes up or down lest I lost control and start bawling. A teacher came by
and saw my extreme distress and tried to engage me and I just shook or
nodded my head at him. The idea that this day could get still get worse
if I was that one girl sobbing in this office was paramount in my head.
Eventually he offered that if things kept being awful I was welcome in
his room and left me alone. The nice boy I'd embarrassed myself in front
of walked by at one point and looked at me curiously.
Finally,
about an hour after school had gotten out, my mom showed up. She took
one look at my face and said, "Oh, Makayla." My lip trembled and I lost a
few tears. When we were in the car I admitted that I was starving, that
she'd forgotten to give me lunch money. She asked if I wanted to go to
my favorite restaurant and get crepes and I said no, I just wanted to go
home. I ate half a loaf of bread and sniveled a bit to myself in my
room.
I found out later that some of the buses hit both the middle
school and the high school to save money, and since they were so close
together. So the bus made two stops in the morning, the first at the
middle school, the second at the high school. And in the afternoon pick
up, the first round of buses are all high school only, and there's a
second round that has already picked up all the middle school kids. If I
had sat and waited by the buses it's more than likely the driver would
have realized I was confused and ushered me on. I also would have only
had to pick between 3 rather than 20, but no one thought to tell me
these things.
And that was the worst day of my life. The end.
