Molly's Genius Prank

Dorothy had a one night stand. It was with a guy named Vino. When she came in to work, she told us about the guy, saying what a good time she had. It turned out to be someone Molly was friends with. Innocently Molly asked, "Did you notice his foot?" Dorothy was confused. "His foot?" "Yeah, his prosthetic foot?" Dorothy got very quiet. We all turned judgmental eyes on her. She didn't even notice that? She began racking her brain. "I mean, I was drunk, but- I saw him in just his socks." We burst out laughing, "Maybe that's why he kept his socks on!"

We ribbed her for weeks. She grew increasingly embarrassed and confused about the incident, citing her drunken state. We asked how she could have slept with someone without noticing something like that. She said she wasn't really interested in dating Vino, and we decided it was probably the last we'd hear about that. Then he came into the store. I'd never have known if Molly hadn't greeted him. As he was leaving, she mentioned Dorothy to him and they had a little chat. Alerted, I started watching his gait, looking at his shoes, trying to determine which foot might be fake. Both feet looked perfectly normal.

I dismissed it from my mind until a few weeks later Dorothy came in, steaming. "I saw Vino again!" Molly looked at her innocently. "Yeah, we were laying there in bed, and I said 'I have a really retarded question.' And I was feeling his feet with mine, and I said 'I hear from a very reliable source you have a prosthetic foot.'" By this point Molly is in hysterics, she has her head down on the counter she's laughing so hard. "And he looked at me and said, 'Are you fucking serious?'" Which is how we all found out that Molly made the whole thing up on a whim and fooled not just Dorothy but everyone in the store.

Blow-Up Test

When I went to see Neil Gaiman in Canada and made friends with the guy in the seat next to mine, we got to talking. I told him where I worked at the time, and sex came up as a topic. It's not unusual for me, since when you're comfortable about the subject, people want to talk all about it.

He told me that he had a test for all his condoms to make sure they hadn't broken. He blew them up afterward. I dissolved into laughter, imagining a bewildered girl watching him tie a used condom into a balloon animal to make sure it was intact.

Home Wrecker

I am tiny. I weight 108lbs when I'm up to weight, and I'm about 5'3". But if you piss me off, I will destroy your furniture. This is one of those stories where you'll just have to trust I'm not exaggerating.

One Halloween I was keeping company with Charlie and Brendan. We went to Charlie's house and watched Groundhogs Day of all things, and maybe Hogfather. Brendan and I decided to stay the night, it was about 3am when the movies were done. Unbeknownst to us, Charlie's parents were recovering from swine flu. The next morning they said we had to get out of the house- sometime around 7am.

Charlie came into the room where I was still sleeping on his bed. "Reggie, you gotta get up, I have to take you to your car." I didn't even open my eyes. I just burrowed deeper into the covers. "Reggie, c'mon, get up." He pulled the covers off and I just tightened into a little ball.

I had an older brother, so when he started trying to lift me out of bed, I just went into deadweight. He yelped as I doubled in weight, and started trying to pull me out of the bed. I frowned, and latched my toes onto the side rail of his bed frame.

When he saw what I'd done he laughed and started pulling. "C'mon Reggie, you have to get up!" He pulled, and I just tightened my toes, keeping the rest of my body limp, so sleep deprived that these seemed like reasonable steps to take just to try to sleep longer.

I woke up when we heard the crack. I let go of the rail and stood up, blinking sleepily. Charlie let go of me and stared in horror at the cracked wood. "Did you seriously just break my bed with your feet?" I rubbed my eyes, "I'm sorry. You probably should have stopped pulling..." He was laughing, "A 300 hundred pound dude didn't break my bed when he jumped on it and there were five other people on it already. You're a monster."

You're a Spy

I like to play a game. Not all the time, and not with everyone. But every so often someone will have an inconsistency between their behavior and their appearance and my mind rushes to fill in the gaps.

For instance. When I was still working at my pizza place a woman came in. She was middle-aged, and a bit portly. She also had one of those knee scooters. She pushed herself along with one leg, while one was bent at the knee resting on the scooter. She came straight to the register, not stopping to order. I asked if I could help her and she asked to use the phone. Her cell was dead she told me, but she needed to make a call. I handed over our phone, but noticed she pulled out her cell to look up the number to call.

I speed walked over to my friend and esteemed colleague Dustin. "Dustin," I said urgently, "I think this woman is a spy." He laughed and asked why. "Just think, she came in to use our phone because her cell was dead, but then she used her cell to get the number. Her phone's not dead, she's a spy. Our number can't be traced because so many people have access to the line! And she can't use her cell because she's been compromised." Dustin was highly amused.

The woman finished her call and I went back over to take the phone back. She then went to use the toilet. When she was coming out of the bathroom, she fell. Her scooter skidded and she toppled to the right. After the initial alarm we gathered she was fine, and I grabbed Dustin's arm. "She knows I know! The whole fall was staged to make it took like she's helpless!"

Likewise, the well dressed gentleman who came in smelling inexplicably like motor oil became a world class thief, a demolitions expert. He popped into STORE to celebrate his most recent heist (hence the oil) by buying a cheap stroker and a porno.

Are you getting married?

A guy came in today. I’d spoken to him earlier on the phone but it was Cory’s up, so he started trying to sell him a box spring. The guy however, was less interested in boxes and more interested in following me around. He was older, mid-forties, with curly shoulder length hair and a little mustache. When he stood he leaned back appreciably, making me wonder how he was balancing.
Initially I just ignored him after a polite smile in greeting, going about putting shipment away. I went into the back room to get more pillows for a display when I looked up and saw him stepping into our back room area. Picture a cat fluffing in alarm. He took another step in and I stood up abruptly, glancing pointedly at the employees only sign. He made a comment about where we keep our stock and I made him give way in the door, backing him out of the room with my box between us.
He followed me back up to the front and Cory reengaged him about the boxspring he was buying. As I went by to go get more pillows he stopped me with this grin on his face,”Are you getting married?” I blinked and looked at my ringless hands. “Uh, not anytime soon.” I smiled awkwardly, shrugged, and carried my box into the back.
As I walked away I could hear Cory say, “Reggie’s only 24, she’s got plenty of time.” I hid in the back until he left, then reappeared. Cory was laughing at my admirer, and told me when I left he started asking if I had a boyfriend. I didn’t get hit on this much when working at a sex store, but mattresses, apparently.