ER Stories

I think I've said before, some of my favorite customers are ER nurses. They always have the best stories to tell. A woman was in earlier this week, and had a few.



The worst thing she's seen, she told Kat and I, was batteries. "Batteries?" Batteries that apparently came out of a toy somehow, and sat in the woman's vagina until they started to corrode. Which as you'd imagine, is pretty irritating to the delicate area. The smell was so bad apparently that when she came in about an irritation down there, and a smell, the doctor was so overwhelmed he had to don a surgical mask just to deal with it. The woman just didn't notice they'd gotten lost in there.



The other story she told us was a little better. A lot of women for pelvic exams get self conscious. In an effort to make life easier on the doctors and nurses, they'll clean themselves up before going in for the appointment. One woman was in a hurry, she grabbed a rag, wiped herself down, and dashed out the door. The room they do the exams in are quite small, with a spotlight pointing directly at the woman's bits. On this occasion the nurses weren't sure what to say. Finally they asked, "Was this on purpose?"

The woman looked down at them, "Was what?" "You're... well you're covered in glitter, is it a new fashion thing, or did you think we'd enjoy it?" The woman was mortified. Apparently her daughter had cleaned up her arts and crafts glitter project with the rag the woman had used to wipe down with.

Hiding in My Closet

Taylor came to visit. It was the best. And it was a surprise. Mostly.

As I was leaving the house with her on the phone recently, she heard Christian in the kitchen. She asked if she could talk to him. Confused, I handed over my phone. He took it and went upstairs, shutting his door behind him. I blinked at Kat and Molly and tried not to ask what was going on, since everyone was chiding me about being too inquisitive.

Later at work I made sad eyes at Christian. "I'm being so good, and not asking about the blatant conspiracy, that happened right in front of me." He frowned, "Yeah, I'm kinda mad at her about that." I shrugged, and he continued, "I'll just have to yell at her when she gets here." Then he looked like he wanted to punch himself in the face. He's always emphasizing that we can't keep secrets. I couldn't stop grinning, and every time he saw my little smile he'd yell, "But you still don't know when!"

A few days went by, and then early Thursday morning I got a text from her saying she was fighting with her parents. I was concerned, but she wouldn't give me any details. She said she'd tell me that night. She told me how hot it was in Arizona, how she was watching her brother play Rayman. She stopped texting for three hours, then said she'd fallen asleep. She sent me a picture of her dog, and then a bit before we closed for the night, she told me she was going to bed. I feebly protested that she was going to tell me about that morning, and she said she didn't feel well. I wished her goodnight.

I got home, cross and tired, ready for bed. I was at this point convinced that Christian had lied to me, that the fight meant she wouldn't be coming to visit/at all. I passed Molly and Kat in the living room, saying I was going to bed. They wished me good night. I opened my door and petted Leeloo as she greeted me, bending to fill her food bowl. Then I looked up and saw my bed was unmade. I cursed and went back downstairs to pull my sheets from the dryer. I nodded to Molly and Kat who had paused Breaking Bad and were looking like I had interrupted something.

It was immediately apparent that my sheets were not dry. I gritted my teeth and set them to run another cycle, heading back upstairs. I plopped into my computer chair, texting my dissatisfaction with life to a friend. From behind me I heard a soft, "Hey." I was startled, and thought it was Molly, but I hadn't heard my door open, and in an attempt to pretend I wasn't taken off guard, without turning, or looking up, I gave a tiny shrug and the most nonchalant "Hey" back. And then I froze, because it wasn't Molly's voice, and I put my phone down and turned, and Taylor was standing there. My eyes got huge, "Hey!" I was up like a shot and we hugged for most of the rest of the night.

She boarded the plane at about 1pm, hence her three hour nap. She went back 37 weeks on her Instagram to find the picture of her dog she sent me. Molly and Kat had paused their show the first time I went upstairs to listen at the foot of the stairs, and Taylor watched me fill up Leeloo's food bowl, convinced I'd look up and see her hiding there in my closet.

My Birthday

So, it had a pretty rocky start. I get pretty unbalanced emotionally when I haven't eaten, or I'm tired. On the 18th, I had to work a close that went to 12:30am, so I was technically working half an hour on my birthday. I'd been having stomach problems, and pretty much all I'd eaten was cupcakes, which is never a good decision. I was simultaneously extremely tired, and the end result was like an emotional roller coaster lacking brakes and on fire. The day had started so well, with my coworkers setting up early balloons, and bringing cupcakes, but as the day wore on I was getting more tired and hysterical. Part of it was that Taylor wouldn't be seeing me for my birthday. Part of it was that I always have awful birthday luck, and I was afraid that it was going to be a terrible day. Most of it was tired/hungry hysteria. By 11 I was on the verge of tears, and my wig and costume were starting to get on my nerves.

The last guy in the store was an inbred cretinous lump of meat. And I understand that while I was very emotionally biased when I met him, I still feel I could light him on fire with few qualms. He stayed in until 12:15. I announced loudly that we were closed more than once, and that it was now officially my birthday, without directly stating they should get the hell out of the store. He meandered up to the register like a bovine on muscle relaxants and proceeded to grill me about massage oils. I gave perfunctory answers and finally showed him some. His wife tried to hustle him, and he just refused to budge. When he got to the register he began counting out pennies rather than having me break a $20. When they finally left Dorothy and I both started screaming our irritation with him.

My mood was even worse, and on the drive home a sad song came up on shuffle as I was parking, and I lost it. It was about 12:45, and I was sitting in my car sobbing hysterically for no real reason at all. Taylor was texting me asking if I was going to bed, and I said I couldn't go inside yet. I was waiting until I didn't look like I'd been sobbing, so Molly, Kat, and Christian wouldn't worry if they saw me. Plus I had no actual reason to be upset, which is hard to explain. Finally, at 1am, I got out of my car. As I approached the house I noted how odd it was that none of our lights were on. Everyone was asleep? Kat and Christian normally stay up until 3 or 4. I shrugged, and went to open the door. It was locked. I rattled the handle a moment, then pulled out my key. As the door swung open, the house was totally dark except a single candle, and "Still Alive" began to play.

I shut the door carefully behind me, and turned on a light. I assumed the roommates were going to jump out at me, but they didn't. I stared at the Portal cake, with my plush turret and companion cube, and felt like I was filling up with love and affection. After a moment I stepped further inside and peeked around the corner into the kitchen to see all three friends grinning at me. We turned lights on, and laughed, and took pictures. They told me about setting up the surprise, how they'd been waiting for me for an hour. We stayed up until 2am laughing hysterically.

I woke up the next morning filled with contentment. I was going to be alone until 4, when Molly got home, and the party was on hold until 8:30 when Christian got home, but I decided there was nothing wrong with spending time by myself. I'd go to breakfast I decided. I headed downtown and saw that the Farmer's Market was going on. I usually work Saturdays and miss them. As I strolled around I saw two of my favorite customers running their food stand. They had brisket, and I decided to skip crepes and get some. I went and got cash, then strolled down. They both grinned at me as I approached, asking how I'd been. He commented how my haircut made me look thinner, and she assured me she could put the meat back on my bones. I love getting to see them running the booth, because I never have to pay, and I never order for myself. They gave me a plate of brisket, macaroni, deep fried corn bread, beans, rice, and salad and asked how Taylor was doing. I went looking for a place to sit and found an empty table.

I sat down at a table, breathing in the misty chill air, feeling totally content. I decided to go find a used book store when two older women sat down to keep me company and I forgot all about it. I'm pretty certain one of them was Susan Sarandon. We talked about books, and languages, places we'd been, and food. We talked for two hours until we got too chilly to sit anymore and said our goodbyes.

I headed home and Taylor called. We talked for two hours while she waited on a layover in Denver. I waited patiently until Molly got home, then bounced around her like a happy puppy demanding she go to the used book store with me. We went to two. When Kat and Christian got off work, we decided to head to dinner. I was feeling nauseated, and said it was their choice where we went. We ended up in a corner of Olive Garden, with the best server. He kept calling us "friend" and did extra nice things like filling up my no-refill drink, giving us an extra entree to take home free, not singing for my birthday, and giving us a million chocolate mints with our checks. We tipped him handsomely and headed home.

Molly presented me with a cooperative board game called Pandemic so we'd have stuff to play at the house, and Kat and Christian presented me with New Leaf and Pokemon X. They asked if I wanted to play the game or watch a movie, and we ended up cuddled up together on Kat and Christian's bed watching Moulin Rouge. I wasn't that tired initially, but I ended up sandwiched comfortably between Kat and Christian, tucked up against his chest while she played with my hair. It was warm, and I was feeling utterly loved, and dozed off for the last half of the movie.

The next day my parents presented me with a towel warmer, a new towel, and a rack to go over the bathroom door, as well as boot covers. It was hands down the best birthday I've ever had.