The Dorothy Prank

When Dorothy first came to work with us, we weren't sure how to react. Our hours were already getting cut, and they hired this new person to make hours even scarcer. We found out later that because we hasn't been acclimating well to Cindy as an outside hire for our manager, Dorothy was a just-in-case-you-quit hire. We were told specifically not to train her, that she'd be fully under Cindy's tutelage- which was laughable because Cindy was new herself and didn't have any product knowledge and was still asking me about basic store operations. But the long and the short of it was we didn't get to know Dorothy for weeks. And so we started an elaborate prank.

How things actually stood: I was dating Taylor, Kat was dating Christian and Isaac, and Molly was single. But Molly and Christian lived in the same apartment complex, and this simple interaction resulted in weeks of plot development.

Dorothy: (Somehow under the impression Molly and Christian were dating) Aww, you guys are cute. Do you live together?
Molly: (confused) Well... Sorta.

When she relayed to us that Dorothy thought they were dating, we jumped on board. How we set it up: Molly and Christian were dating, Molly was becoming increasingly jealous of Kat, who Christian was sleeping with on the side, and since I'd already been gushing about Taylor we wrote me in as a one-night stand with him months ago, who he was trying to hook back up with.

Every shift we had with Dorothy someone would drop a remark. When Kat told me in front of Dorothy that Christian had helped her pick new glasses frames, I asked if Molly was jealous. She said a little, that they weren't able to spend a lot of time together. We tried to make each statement innocuous enough that they weren't direct comments. We never said who was dating who. When Dorothy asked me I shrugged and said it was complicated.

Christian and I practiced flirting, which we were ridiculously bad at. He'd wink at me and I'd burst out laughing, or I'd give him a come-hither look and he'd snort.

But the best part about our prank was when we forgot about it. We'd laid all this ground work and then simultaneously we all forgot about it. Months later, Molly remembered, and asked Dorothy if she'd picked up on our back story. Apparently she'd gone home to her roommate and said, "I think all my coworkers have sex with each other." It had been just as confusing to her when we stopped as when we'd started and instead of picking up on all the nuances of our carefully planned backstop she just assumed we were sex fiends.

Condoms and Pins

At STORE we have a display of condoms that inflate. It lets you see the texturing and ribbing on the different varieties as well as how big each brand is. But to keep them from popping one condom has to have a hole in it. If we change out any of them, we usually have to poke a new hole to keep the air pressure stable. But it worries people when we walk away from the condom table carrying a pin, talking about poking holes.

Walking

Adventures in Canada!

Neil Gaiman just did a book signing in Vancouver and GUESS WHO WENT?! I did. Alone. Because everyone bailed on me. I'm sorta phobic about driving to new places, the fact that it was in a foreign country was all sorts of extra terrible. I was having panic attacks all the day before, imagining being lost with no GPS late at night (This ended up happening, but it was fine).
I set out at 3:30. The event didn't start until 6:30, and I figured three hours to make an hour and a half drive was plenty of time. I was so wrong. I sat for an hour in the border crossing getting heat stroke. I rolled my windows down and blasted my music aggressively at all the other cars. When I finally got to the border guard I was braced for it to be awful. One of the last times I went through they asked who in our car was a felon and derided us for going to a Renaissance fair. But this guy thought it was funny how immediately excited I got about going to see Neil Gaiman, asked me to turn up the Decemberists on my stereo, and thought it was cool I worked at STORE.

I was on my way, trying to adjust to km/h vs m/h when I hit a wall of traffic. I'd spent about an hour at the border crossing, and then this. My legs were aching from the constant shifting, there's no worse time to drive a manual than stop and go traffic. Oh, also I'd been planning on getting food, since I thought I'd have plenty of time. That was a laugh. There was one moment where, stuck in traffic, at 6:00 that I almost cried. Fears that they would shut the door, or give away my ticket, or I would in some way miss seeing my idol in person were immune to logic. I pulled myself together, and assured myself that what was gonna happen was gonna happen, and everything would be fine. This is where having a buddy would have come in handy.

I found the place okay, and got parking really close to the venue. When I went in there were no seats left, so one of the staff said it would be okay if I sat in their reserved seating. Then I got to listen to Neil Gaiman read aloud from Ocean at the End of the Lane, answer questions, and read an excerpt from Fortunately, the Milk. He went offstage and people started leaving if they didn't want things signed. A guy approached me with a big smile, "Excuse me, do you know if those people are coming back or if they're staying for the signing?" I shook my head, "I'm not sure, and I'm also a little concerned that since the row I'm in was for staff they won't call it for the signing raffle." They were drawing row numbers to see who got to go in what order to meet Neil. He grinned, and I thought he'd leave me to my own devices, but instead he said, "I'll be right back!" He went and found out then came and sat with me, assuring me we were in the drawing.

We talked for several hours while we waited. His name was David, he was blonde, and seemed about my age. We geeked out over Neil Gaiman and he told me how he was from California, that he'd flown up here and was couch surfing just for this event. He told me about how he had lived in India, and China, that he did work away and couch surfed. The people he was staying with had loaned him their bike and given him their house key. He said he went to University in Scotland and then did a very passable accent. When the row in front of us was called, it was such a short row that the guys in it urged us to just jump in line, so we did. We each showed the extra thing we'd brought to get signed and started hyperventilating as we got closer. When we got up to Mr. Gaiman, I thanked him for Amanda Palmer, saying I might not have heard her if they hadn't done the Evening show, and he smiled and said that was the idea. When asked what I'd wanted written I'd written my name, and "Improvise." He misspelled my name, then apologizing, had fixed it up, then drew an arrow and said, "Improvised!" I love it.

Afterward me and David decided to walk around the city. We got a slice of pizza and strolled along. I told him I'd spend half an hour. He asked me if I dressed the way I did because I like it or- "Or what?" I asked. "Or if you're trying to make a statement about being a lesbian." I laughed and said I just liked it, and was unaware my clothes made any statements at all. We headed for the gay district and at one point I pointed ahead of us, "Look, there's a skunk." We watched it cross the road, then continued on our way. He started telling me a story about how when he was a kid he'd almost gotten sprayed by not seeing the skunk. It was at that point I grabbed his arm. "Watch out." Ahead of us nosing around in the bushes were two more skunks. We backed away slowly then laughed. He thanked me. As we detoured I saw a cat. I grinned and said, "Hey kitty." David jumped and almost bolted at the hey, not realizing it was a cat, but we kept our guard up and good thing, because we passed one last one skunk before coming out into the downtown area. Skunks should be the national animal, they were everywhere.

I checked the time, and said I had to go. We were almost to the ocean, but my parking garage closed at 1am and though he offered repeatedly to let me crash with him I was having none of it. But then I relented. "We'll go to the ocean, but we'll go get my car and drive there. I can't be stuck in Canada away from my car." He agreed and we headed down to the beach, walking along the rock. We sat and talked for a while. I tried and failed to catch a duck, and got scraped up on a rock wall trying to get back up on the sidewalk.

When we finally decided to call it a night. I drove him to his bike, then offered to drive him and the bike back to his couch crash and save him a 45 minute ride. I likely wouldn't have gotten lost if not for that, since I was fairly confident of the main street. But heading out from his place after agreeing to be pen pals, I got turned around immediately. I saw two guys and rolled my window down. "Can you tell me how to get to Granville? Or downtown? I'm lost." They made faces, "We're lost too." My face fell but at that moment a cop car pulled up behind me. They motioned him over and I grinned, "I'm lost." You could see in his face that he thought something sketchy had been going on, but I dimpled at him and was bubbly enough that he started smiling and gave me directions.
 
I made it home with no more detours, and slept the deep happy sleep you get after a day of adventuring.

I Will Obliterate You

Today was the first time I've been touched by a customer when it was super unwelcome. I'm normally very quick to back away, or sidestep, but mostly people realize that any sort of physical contact with me is taboo. I had a guy in today, quite scruffy, who initially didn't want to talk to me. Eventually I put him at his ease and he told me how his wife's libido has dropped, so that when they finally do have sex he only lasts a few moments. I recommended a delay spray for him, and a libido enhancer for her. He then started reiterating his problem, and I began to suspect he was just talking for the sake of it. "But I mean, my arousal is no problem, all it takes is-" and he caught me off guard and stroked my right arm "to turn me on." In my head I was on fire with rage. There is nothing acceptable about involving me like that, the physical contact on its own was enough of a violation but the implication made me want to punch him in the throat. In my head I was transforming into a super-saiyan so I could blast this pathetic dreg of humanity off the face of the planet.

Externally I assumed a cold smile, and took a half step back. It was possibly the rapiest thing anyone has ever pulled, and while I was mad part of me also wanted to hide and just scrub my arm until I felt less soiled. After my step back and a complete 180 from my previous chirpy demeanor he seemed to sense that he'd crossed a line and left soon afterward, promising to bring his wife in with him. I hope to never encounter him again.